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"MAKE-UP" BOOK— HOW TO 'MAKEUP." A practical guide 
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Nk CCCXX. 

FRENCH'S IVilNOR DRAMA. 



PR 5834 
.W53 T5 
Copy 1 



A TERRIBLE TINKER! 



A FARCE^N ONE ACT, 



By THOMAS J. VVilLlAMS, Esq.. 



MEMBER OF THE DRA uATIC AUTHORS' SOCIETY. 



AUTHOB OP 

••Icl on Parle," "Old Gooseberry," "Who is Who? or. All in a Fog," "Tho 

-Beep Show Man." Tweedleton's Tail Co ;*." -Turn Him Out." "The Better Half," 
"My Wife's Maid," "The Trials of "} ->inpkins," "Jack's Delight," "An Ugly 
Customer," "ISursey Chickweed," "C i 2nd Otf," "A Race for a Widow," I've 
Written to Brown," "Peace and Quioi;," "Ruth Oakley," "(^ssip, Truth and 

•Fiction," "Cruel to be Kind," "The Siient System," "A Charming Pair," "The 
Little Sentinel." "The Desert Flov cr," Little Daisy," ««My Dress Boots," 
"Pipkin's Rustic Retreat," "My Tuin Next," "F>und In a Four- Wheeler," 
"Larkin'H Love Letters," "Lion Slaytr ; or. Out for a Prowll" "Dandelion'g 
Dodges," "A. Cure for the Fidgets," "A Silent Protector," "One Too Many for 
Him," "Who's to Win Him?" "Flo' Firtt Frolic," "The Volunteer Review; 
or. the Little Man in Green/' etc., etc.. etc. 



Ni:\V YORK: 

K^AMUEL FRENCH & SOF, 



PUBXilSHEKS, 



3fc East 14th St., Union S(j\iare, 



LONDON : 

Samuel French, 

PUBIiISHKR. 

8© STiiA.NI3. 



Containing Rouge, Pearl Powder, Whit:?r, Mongolian, Ruddy Rouge, Violet rrn«Mer, 
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INTERNATIONAL 
DESGEIPTIVE CATALOGUE 

OF 

PLAYS, 

AND 

DRAMATIC WOEKS, 

With a DescrijJtive LUt of Amateur Fu/ijs and Articles. 



CONTENTS. 



Amateur Dramas, Comedies, etc. . . . ?,2 

Amateur Operas 42 

Articles Needed by Amateurs.. . .• 45 

Beards, Wliiskers, Musiaches, etc... 47 

Bits of Burifsque. c. ;n 

Bound .St^ts of riays j i 

BulwerLytton's Flays •. t 

Burlesque Dramas 4 J 

Burnt (\ rk 45 

Oliarado Plays "s 

Colored Fire aud Table-'ux Lights. . . 4.'> 

Comic Dramas for Male Cliar. oniy. 41 

Costume Books 2.') 

Cumberiand's Edition H) 

Darkey Dramas 39 

Dramas for Boys 42 

Drawing Room Plays 25 

Elocution Reciters and Speakers. . . 44 

Etr.iopiaa Dramas .'9 

F:veninar'3Entertammeat -lit 

Fairy Plays 4i ' 

French's Editi'in 2 

French's Englisii Operas 42 

French's Italian Operas .".7 

French's Standard Minor Drama It 

French's Parlor Comedies 41 

Frobislier's Popular Recitals 4.') 

Guide Books lor Amateurs 41 

Grand Army Dramas ,".(> 

Grease Paints 48 

Home Plays fir L.ulies 41 



How to " Make-up " 48 

How We Managed our Private Thea- 
tricals 36 

Iris; Plays...... ofi 

Juvenile Plays 4') 

Lacy's Costu mes 2i5 

Magnesium Tableaux Liglits 

Make-up Box 

Miscellaneous Books 

■Miscellaneous Editions of Plays 

Miscellaneous Pla^ s 

Mrs. Jarley's Wax Works 

New Plays. 



Nigger Jokea and Stump Speeclies, . 

Parlor M;igic 

Parlor Pantomimes 

Pieces of Pi easa ntry 

Plays for Male Characters only 

Round Games 

Scenes for Amateurs 

Scriptural and Historical Dramas.. 

Sensation Dramas 

Serio-Comic Drama= 

Shadow Pantomimes 

Shakespeare's Plays 

Sheet Music 

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Temperance Plays 

TheatT'ical Face Preparations 

Vocal Music of Shakespeare's Plays. 
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A Catalogue with ab^ve Contents Sent Free. 



NO. CCCXX., 

FRENCH'S MINOR DRAMA. 



A TERRIBLE TINI^IR! 




A FARCE IN ONE ACT. 



By THOMAS J. WILLIAMS, Esq.. 



MEMBER or THE DEAMATIC AUTHORS' SOCIETY. 



AUTHOB OF 

♦'Ici on Parle," "Old Gooseberry," "Wli© is Who? or, All in a Fog," "Tiio 
t»eep Show Man," Tweedleton's TaU Coat," "Turn Him Out," "The Better Half ," 
"My Wife's Maid," "The Trials of Tompkins," "Jack's Delight," "An Ugly 
Customer," "Kursey Chickweed," "On and Off," "A Eace for a Widow," I've 
Written to Brown," "Peace and Quiet," "Euth Oakley," "Gossip, Truth and 
Eviction," "Cruel to be Kind," "The Silent System," "A Charming Pair," "The 
Little Sentinel," "The Desert Flower," Little Daisy," ■••'My Dress Boots," 
"Pipkin's Eustic Eetreat," "My Turn Next," "Found in a Four- Wheeler," 
"Larkin's Love Letters," "Lion Slayer; or. Out for a Prowl!" "Dandehon's 
Dodges," "A Cure for the Fidgets," "A Silent Protector," "One Too Many for 
Him," "Who's to Win Him?" "Flo's First Frolic," "The Volunteer Eeview; 
or, the Little Man in Green/' etCj etc., etc 



NEW YOEK: 

SAMUEL FRENCH, PUBLISHER, 

Jg2 ]Sf^^,sAU Street. 



-'u-7- 



f R^ 



_^^s^> 



^5 



Fini pei'formed at Astky's Tiieaier, {under the management of Mr. E. T, 
SmUh) Mcynday, 27t/i December, 1869. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS.— [A Terrible Tinker.] 

An Itinerant Tinker — 1st ) ,, ^-t , ^ , 
low comedy. \ Mr. Edmund Oieii. 

{An Unreasonable ) 
Husband — 1st old > Mr. IT. Dudley. 
man. ) 

Mr. Godfrey Gadabout, j ^"^^ comedy '^^^ [ '^^''' ^^'^^^«^'^- 

i A Greengrocer and Small ) f ^ 
Stumps, •< Coal Man — 2nd J.ow > j o Mr. St.Alhyn. 

{ comedy. ) J 
Billy Sutton, (A "Climbing l^y") | hj ^^r. Gardiner. 

,, I A "Middle-aged" SIufiBn ) I ^ nr c ..i. 

^^^^^^' "i Man. \ [ S- ^^'*- '^^^^^ 

Laura, (Poppington's Wife — 1st walking lady,) Miss Constance Brabant. 
Matty, (An Impertinent Housamaid) 3Iiss Tilly Wright. 

JO^XAH, \ S^'^'l^'lS?:'^ "^ «'^' [ Mi. Fannie Ho.ara. 



SCENE. — The interior of Cayenne Cottage, within "easy rail" of 

the metropolis. 
TIME. — The immediate present. 



SAM SAWDER. — Velveteen coat, (shabby) leather apron, corduroy 
knee breeches, blue worsted stockings, thick lace-up boots, but- 
tered old hat, red neckerchief. 
POPPINGTON. — Blue frock-coat, buff waistcoat, white trousers, iron- 
gray wig and beard, &c. , &c. 
GADABOUT. — Light morning suit, white hat, eye-glass, short cane, 

&c., &c. N. .B.- Must have dark hair. 
STUMPS. — Coal heaver's grimy 3»cket and fantail, &o. 
MIVINS. — Brown paper cap, large white apron. 
SUTTON. — Sweep's working costume, brush, &c. 
LAURA POPPINGTON.— Elegant morning dress. 
JOANNAH. — Countryfied make-up — serge dress, hob-nailed boots, 

worsted stockings, straw hat^ &c. 
MAITY. — Smart housemaid s make up. 



A TERRIBLE TINKER. 



SCENE. — A xvell-furnished parlor ; principal entrance at hack. Doors »• 
and L. ; large ivindow u. 2 e. overlooking the road. Table, chairs, Sfc, 
first loing r., a sideboard; near sideboard, a sofa; near table R., an easy 
chair, against tvhich a thick walking stick is resting. 

Mattib discovered, as the curtain rises, arranging china on sideboard. 

Matty Well, I never see sich a house for breakages, as this here — 
here's half the new seto' warigated chancy gone already — hut master 
is that awful passionate, that the plates ought to ha' been made o' 
pewter and the cups o' cast iron — he's spent half his life in the Hiug- 
ies and the hot weather has spoilt his temper for him. [A tremendous 
smash of crockery is heard K.] Ah ! that's young master Theophilus 
James, that is— he is the most destructivest young imp Jis ever I came 
anigh! He's the werry counterpane of his father. Howsomever, 1 
ain't a going to flurry myself ! 

Mr. Poppington [Shouting aiid ringing outside, L.] Mat-ty ! 

Matty [Approaching door, L.] Ah, there's master. [Shouting.^ 
Co-ming ! he's in a pretty tantrum this morning, he is ! 

Sam Sawder ^op« his head through door at back, c. 

Sawder Knives to grind, scissors to grind — 
Matty [Impatiently.'] No, no ! 

Sawder [Continuing.'] Pots to mend, kettles to mend ! 
Matty [Impatiently.] No, nothing of tlie sort — 
Sawder Brass to mend, copper to mend. 

Matty [Bawling.] Nothing to mend, I tell you. How dare yen. walk 
into the house in this here permiscus manner? but it all comes q' 



4 A TERRIBLE TINKER. 

livin' in a secluded willa, with a back garden that opens on a lane 
and a kitchen which it is on the same floor with the parlor ! 

Sawder [Irtdignantli/.] I tell you, young 'ooman, I'm come on bis- 
ness. I'm a /independent bartizan, and I've got a Amterduction from 
the family greengrocer. 

3Ir. F. [lioarinff and ringing outside, R.] Ma- -a— a — tty ! ! 

Maity [l{oaring.\ Co-ming ! \To Sawder pertly.'] Now be off, will 



you 



Sawder {Expostulating.'] But don't I tell yer— 

3Iatty {Pushing him off at bax:.k.] Be off, about your business ! [Slams 
door c. in his face and hastily re-crosses to door R., exclaiming.] I never see 
Buch hiraperence in all my born days ! 

Mr. P {Furiously ejaculating, r.] Ma— a— a— atty ! 

Matty {Shouting.] Co-ming! 
[fixtf hastily, K. As Matty goes out, the door at hack c. re-opens. Sawder 
pops his head in and then cautiously re-enters. 

Sawder {Offended.] "Go about my bisness!" Then what did 
Muster Stumps, the greengrocer, mean by telling me they wanted a 
fuss-rate tinker at Muster Poppington's ? But p'raps it's only that 
ere stuck-up she-sarvant as is a deceivin' of me — if I could only see 
the missis, I daresay I might get a border. {Indignantly.] It ain't be- 
cause I'm a <mnerant tinker that I going to be dominoed over by a 
himpident domestic ! I'm a Amdependent bartizan and I'm come 
with a hinterduction from the family greengrocer. I ain't a going 
to throw away a chance, not if I knows it. {Opens the door l.] Beg 
pardon — {Looking in] vy there's a little junewile a playin' with the 
chimbley horniments. I'll just step in and ax him vere the good 
lady is. [Exito.L. Noise of angry altercation heard. 

Enter r. i^nd wing). Mr. Gynger Poppington, {tremendous make up — 
bronzed complexion, iron gray heard and whiskers — wears white trowsers, buff 
waistcoat, dtc.) in his hand he caiiies an accardum. He speaJcs throughout 
in a gruff and ferocious manner, frequently indulging in sudden spasmodic 
starts. He is closely followed by Laura (Mrs. Poppington) and Matty. 

Mr. P [In a ferocious tone, holding up the accordion, the leather of ivhich is 
broken.] I tell you it's your doing ! 

Matty {Peiily.] I tell you it ain't 

3Ir. P {Angrily.] Don't toss your head at me, sauce-box. 

Mrs. P {Imploringly.] Now j-eally, my love, you must moderate that 
dreadful temper of yours. 

Mr. P {Angrily.] Temper, indeed ! you call it temper, do you ? A 
magnificent accordion for which I paid thirty shillings, only last week. 
I've just found it in the dusthole— split, spoilt, ruined, all the wind 
out. {Presses accordion, ivhich gives forth a discordant squeak.] There ! do 
you hear thai ? How am I to beguile my leisure moments now ? 

3Iatty {Sulkily.] Well, it ain't my fa.u\t. I tell you it was young 
master Theophilus James as did it. He is the most smashingest young 
gent as ever I come anigh ! 

Mr. P {Altering his ione—signifiointly.] Oho! aha! Master Theophilus 



A l^RRIBLE TI NKER. 6 

James broke \t, did he ? [Fetches from chair a tremendously thick stick, 
with an enormous knob.] I've noticed a growing tendency to destruct- 
iveness about master Theophilus James and I've bought this little fancy 
article as a timely preventitive ! 

3frs. P [Hastily stojyping him.] Mr. Toppington, yon shall not give 
way to these ferocious impulses — the boy is only following his father's 
example. 

Mr. P [Wincing.] Hum! ha! very good, Mrs. Poppington—[P?/^//?i^ 
doum stick] that's your opinion, is it? But the next time he follows 
his father's example, I'll teach him not to interfere with his father's 
ittle innocent recreations ! [Abn/ptb/.] Now then — I'm going out! 
[Fiercely to Matty.] My hat and glov on— J^Bauhng.] do you hear ? 

Matty [Hastily getti?ig hat and glove's from sideboard.] Well I'm a getting 
'em, ain't I ? 

Mr. P [Snatching hat from Matty.] Don't answer me in that disre- 
spectful manner. I require instant, implicit, oriental obedience. A 
wink, a nod, a sign, must suffice ! [Suddenly raises his voice and bawls 
violently.] Do you hear ? 

Matty [A^ide, going.] /^ wasn't christened Cwj/er for nothing ! I'd 
sooner be maid-of-all-work to an insane firework-maker! [Exit c to l. 

Mr. P [Emphatically.] By-the-by, Mrs. P., you must be very par- 
ticular about the dinner to-day ; my friend Gadabout dines witli us. 

Mrs. P Friend, indeed ! a man of whom 3^011 know notiiing—^ person 
whose acquaintance we accidentally made at a public hall ! [Signifi- 
cantly.] I tell you I have no very high opinion cf that gentleman. 

3ir. P And /tell ?/oj/, Mrs. Poppington, I don't care whether you 
have or not. Mr. iTodfrey Gadabout has taken an unmistakable 
fancy to my Mnmarriageable 7iiece An astasia. 

Mrs, P [Laughing.] lla, ha ! why she sjMm/s horribly, s/wWers awfully 
and limps perceptibly. 

3Ir. P Mover mind, Mrs. P. ; now that a chance has at last turned 
up for Anastasii, I'm not going to throv/ it away; and therefore, 
Mrs. Poppington, I beg to give notice, that unless the dinner is 
judiciously selected, admirably cooked, and carefully served, I, Gynger 
Poppington, will know the reason why ! [Suddenhj raising his voice 
and roaring.] DO YOU HEAP, madam ? 

[Jams hat on his head, blows hig nose violently and exit door c. tou. 

Mrs. P Well, my husband is in a pretty humor this morning ! 
He's wrong about that Mr. Godfrey Gadabout— I'm sure he is ; the 
fellow danced with me several times ai;,44}tit pnbUc ball, and was pay- 
ing me the most absurd compliments the whole time. It can't be 
his fondness for my husband's niece that made him squeeze my hand so. 

Re-enter Matty, c. from l. 
3Iatty [Announcing sulkily.] Mr. Godfrey Gadabout ! 
3Irs. P [Surpirised.] What, already? 
Enter Mr. Godfrey Gadabout, icith a ^^hop-skip-and-Jump" gad, eye-glass 
in his eye, short cane in his hand, zvhite hat, (great stvell). Speaks in o 
conceited manner, and icilli a very perceptible IL'^p. Exit Matty, c. 



€ A ITSRRIBLE TINKER. 

Mr. G [Ajfededly.] Disticacting Mrs. Poppington, good morning! 
Good morning, aw — a\y — I've come to dinnar. 

Mrs. F [^Surprised.'] But, my good sir, it's only one o'clock, and we 
dine at six. 

Mr. G Twiie, t?me, but I always like to be in time, you know — aw 
■ — aw — 'pon my life I do. [^Sighs violently, glancing, meanwhile, tenderly 
at Mrs. Poppingtox.] Oh ! g^racious ! 

Mrs. P [SurprimL] Why, what's the matter with the stupid fellow? 

Mr. G [Aside.] The husband's out, I know ; I watched him M'ound 
the corner. I'll pitch it ativong at once. [Aloud, striking a tremendom 
attitude.'] Entrancing cii'cature ! let me p?rofit by this bioief opportunity 
to tell you that admiifatidn has-g?radually g?rown into adoi^ation, 
while adoz£7ation has in turn zrapidly jwpened into downiiight, dread- 
ful, distiracting despew-ation ! 

Mrs. P [Siuyrued.] Sir ! 

Mr. G [Languidly J^ You see before you a dist?^>acted individual — 
you do, 'pon my life. 

Mrs P [Aside, angrily.] The impertinent puppy ! [Aloud, sarcastic- 
ally.] Then your affection for Miss Anastasia — 

Mr. G [Horrified, inierruptit.g.] Miss Anastasia ! Squinting little 
c^t"eacha^ — a mere u^u&e, a p?retext for obtaining an ent?yance to my 
charmer's zcesidencc — docscd cicfvvar, 'pon my life ! Pw'aps you'll 
just permit me to st?t'ike an appu'opiate attitude while I swear — 

[Throws himself on his hicfs and takes Mrs. Poppington 's hajid. 

3Irs. P [Indignantly.] I'll do nothing of the sort, sir. Go away, sir 
— I'll tell my husband. [^4 tremendous and prolonged smash of china is 
heard, l — starting.] There's Tlieophihis James again ! [Endeavoring to 
get away from Gadabout.] What will his father say ? 

Mr. G [Languidly.] Nayvar mind what his father says — beauteous 
c?f'eachar, mind what /say. 

Mrs. P [S'ruggling to get awn/.] Release my hand, sir ! Get up, sir ! 

Mr. G Nayvar — nayvar till L have imp't-intcd a kiss on that dis- 
tM'actio^ly fair hand. [ICisses her hand.] TFapturc ! ?capture ! wa.p- 
ture ! Wefifcshing ! vetty v/cfweshing ! A regular threat, 'pon my 
life ! [Just at this moment Sawder j9c)/;.s his head in at door r. 

Sawder [Li his ^ 'prof cssional" to7ie.] Knives to grind, scissors to grind ! 
Pots, pans, kettles to mend ! 

3Irs. P [Terribly annoyed.] A strange man and at such a moment ! 
[Angrily to Gadadout.] WiH^yoii release my hand, sir ? 

Mr. G [S'ilc on his kncc-rr^dting at Sawdkr through eye glass.] A 
tinka?r, by Jupiter! [7b Mrs. Poppington.] Don't be frightened, 
it's all right— I'll get you out of it. [Hastily converts his short cane into 
a shcemal'ers measure — aloiul, pretending to measure Mrs. Poppington 's /oof 
with cane.] Three inches hwo^d by seven and a half long. 

3Irs. P [Terribly annoyed.] Impertinent fellow ! what are you 
doing ? 

Mrr. G [Aside, comphccntly .] Clayvar, doosed clayvar, 'pon my Ufe! 

Sawder [Continuing.] Brass to mend ! copper to mend ! 



A TERRIBLE TINKER. 7 

Mr. G [Significantly.'] Aw, aw— you will zfcceive your boots on 
Ficiclay. 

Mrs. P {Surprised.'] Ify boots ! 

Mr. G {Making signs to her.] Yes, -kid boots, with milita?t'y heels — 
pwetty, \eivy ptcetty. 

Sawder [Aside, imitating Gadabout.] Pifjctty — vctt-y p?retty ! 

Mrs. P [Aside, ^receiving GjiDJiSOVi's game.'] What consummate im- 
pudence ! 

3fr. G [Aside, going.] Dwnt that rascally tinker— just as I was pro- 
ducing a tezruific impji-ession — however I'll return p?resently. [Aloud, 
at door c] You may w-ely on the boots for Fttiday — 1 nayvar twifle 
with a ivegnl&v customer, nayvar i- nayvar ! Aside, at door, laughing.] 
Ha! ha ! Tht^^ee inches bwoad by seven and a half long ! Ha, ha I 
claywr, doosed clayyar — quite an inspiit-ation, 'pon my life ! 

[Exit at back, c. 

Mrs. P [Aside, looking after him angrily.'] If my husband were not so 
terribly impetuous, I would complain to him the moment he returned ! 
But no ! his temper is so violent, he would kill the puppy ! I sin- 
cerely trust that tinker has observed rxoihmg— [Aloud.] How came 
you here, fellow ? 

Sawder [Coming forward and making a boh.] Beg pardon, my lady, for 
interruptin' purceedings— , - 

Mrs. P [Aside.] " Proceedings"— that ironical smile— [^?iyr%.] 
He is e\^dently not the dupe of thaj, puppy's pjt-etext. 

Sawder [Continuing] I was just a waitin' in that there room with 
your little ju?icwile, till sum 'un turned up. 

Mrs. P [Taming to him anxiously.] Then you saw and heard— 

Sawder [Emphatically.'] I should rather think I did saw and heard. 

Mrs. P [Asifle, ml-iiaking.] How terribly unfortunate ! [Tarns away. 

Sawder [Aside.] Wont the little '\\\\ catch it ? Sich a smash ! Two 
Wenusefs, three Coopids and a wallyable little blacky-lopper. 

3Irs. P [Misunderstanding — in despair, aside.] He saw and heard ! He 
knows all ! My reputation is at the mercy of a miserable tinker ! 

Satvdcr [Making a leg.] Ko offense you know, my lady, /don't want 
to inconit-eaience no one. I'm a hindependent hartiza?i and I corned 
here with a hinterduction from the family greengrocer. 

Mrs. P [Aside.] It will never do to offend the fellow, he would go 
and tell the whole neighborhood that he saw me— me, Mrs. Popping- 
ton, with that puppy at my feet. I must purchase his silence by some 
means or other. [Aloud.] Stay, \^y good man — 

Saicdcr [At door, eagerly turning round.] Anything to mend, lady ? 

3Irs. P A— a — I rather think I have -the Little parlor bellows is 
broken. 

Sawder Tliank'ee, marm. [Aside, complacently.] I somehow thought 
I should get a border. If public characters on'y knowcd the wally 
o' persewerance, theo'd never take "720" for a hanswer. [Aloud.] 
Tliat's a nice little junewile o' your's in t'other room — I declare he 
had quite a game wi' I. [ Wiping his face icith handkerchief.] He's made 
me quite thirsty like. 



A TERRIBLE TINKER. 



Mrs. P [Aside.'] Thirsty ! an indirect way of asking for something 
to drink. The fellow feels his power and is determmed to profit by 
it. [Crosses, during last tvords, to sideboard and returjis with decanter and 
glass— pouring wine into glass.'] Here is a glass of wine. 

Sawder [Overcome — taking glass.] Wine ! The likvid of the harris- 
tocracy ! This is prime ! [Making a leg.] My lady, Sam Sawder sends 
yer his respectful compliments, and at the same time, purlitely looks 
tivards ye. [Drinks. 

3Irs. P [Rather confused.] I — I trust you will keep strict silence 
about — yo%i, knoiu ivhat. 

Saivder [Not understanding, surprised.] I know what ? 

Mrs. P [(}yntinuing significantly.] What you accidentally sffiyancfAmrc? 
just now. 

Sawder Just now ? [Misunderstand itig.] Oh, ah ! yes, to be sure. 
[Aside.] Them chimbley hornhnmts — that 'ere little blacky-topper. 

3frs. P If my husband were to know — 

Sawder [Suggestively.] He'd kick up a bobbery ? 

Mrs. P [Sighing.] He would indeed ! 

Sawder [Enquiringly— pantoviiming the action of heating v:ith a stick.] 
You don't mean — toko ? 

Mrs. P [Nodding assentinghj.] I— T fear so ! 

Sawder Worry nat'ral, too ; \vc'd,ll wailies our own. 

Mrs. P [xiside.] "We all value our own!" What hitter sarcasm! 
[Aloud.] I may rely on your secrecy ? 

Sawder [Emphatically.] In course you may— d'ye think Sam Sawder 
would cause any unpleasantness to sich a faskinatin' young party ? 
Vy, lor bless yer, it ain't in his purfession,il natur'. 

Mrs. P [Much relieved.] I glad to hear it. Take another glass. 

[Fills his glass. 

Sawder [Ajjprovingly.] I don't care if I docs ; there's a smack about 
this here harristocratic likvid as I approves on unkimmon. [Drinks^^ 
But I say, if you lias such a think as a mo.-sel o' summit 'stautisiA on 
the premises, I wouldn' t be above dispogin' on it. 

3Irs. P [Aside, alarmed.] That evidently means lunch. He i\m^r\Y 
intends to obtain as much for his secrecy as possible. [SIv^ hasiUy 
crosses to sideboard, n. 1st imng, takes out cold pie, plates, &c., andplu ni them 
on table— tvhile she is doing this. Sawder, pintomiming intense saMjf action, 
pours out another glass of wine.] Here, help yourself, but pray 'ua quick 
about it ! -*_. 

Sawder [Delighted.] A rabbit-pie With hingons to match, ar 4 hinside 
crust, and all complete ! This is a hcstablishment ! [Sittiniy down at 
table and eating voracioushf.] As prime a tooilful as I've had \ ^is many 
a day ! [Struck by a siulden idea, jumping up with his mouth full ] I say, 
ray sister Joannah's a minding the traps outside. She's ma.,% fond o' 
rabbit-pie, she is. 

3Irs. P [ Vacantly — not taking the hint.] Is she ? 

Saivder [With his mouth fall.] She's a prime lass, is sistes Jo-annah. 
She's just come up along o' I from Muggleton — she's mj preati*^.. 



A TERRIBLE TINKER. 11 



Matty [Saucily.'] I says it, and I repeats it, and, I says it again ! 

Mrs. P {Very angrily.'] Unparalleled impertinence! Leave the 
house directly ! 
Sawder i 

and y [Together.] Leave the house directly. 
Joan ) 

Matiy [Saucily.] I rekvires my month's notice. 

Mrs. F You shall have your month's money. Here ! [Gives Matty 
money.] Pack up your things and leave the house immediately. 

Sawder [ Who has meanwhile helped himself to another piece of pie — with 
his mouth full.] D'ye hear? [Bawling.] You're to leave the house 
immediately ! 

Ifatfy [Turning hack.] But stop a bit — there's sixpence as I advanced 
this morning to pay the baker, because he knowed you too well to give 
credit. 

Mrs. P [Indignantly, ffivn7ig money.] Leave the house this very in- 
stant ! 
aiv er J j^^^^y^^gj,,^ ^^p^,^ Matty a?id bawling.] Leave the house this 
j^ f house this wery instant ! 

3fatty [At door, c, skieking.] Tinkers ! ! 

Sawder ) 
and \ [Pushing Matty out.] Out with yer ! [Exit Matty, c. 

Jo:tn ) 

Sawder [Coming down.] Well, missis, we've got rid of her nicely for 
yer! 

Matty ]Recippearing at door, c, shouting] Tinkers ! ! ! 

[Sawder and Joannah rush up to back and drive Matty out again. 

Sawder AVell, that is the most owdaciousest young female as ever I 
come anigh. [To Mrs. Poppington.] It's a blessin' she's off the 
premises ! 

Mrs. P [Aside, distracted.] Dear, dear, my husband will be home to 
dinner presently and there will be nothing ready ! [Aloud to vFoan- 
NAH.] Here, you had better get to work immediately ! ^ 

Joan [Tucking up her sleeves eagerly.] Work? oh, ah, yes— what be I 
to do? 

Mrs. P You know how to cook ? 

Sawder Cook— rayther ! She's an out-and-outer at doomiplings — 
and, I say, [Confidentially] just yjfti try her at pea soup — [Smacking his 
lips] that's all. ~* 

3frs. P. [Aside, impatiently.] Oh, this is unendurable ! 

Mr. P [Outside, Vs.., calling and ringing furiously.] Matty! Matty! 

3Irs. P [Starting in terror.] My husband returned! I must conceal 
these people somewhere, [^o Joaxnah.] Quick— quick ! [Pushing 
her towards door, R.] Go down to the kitchen ; I'll come and give you 
instructions presently. 

Joan [Aside to Sawder.] Distrooctions I what be distrooctions, I 
wonder ? 



12 A TERRIBLE TINKER. 

Smoder [To Joannaii with an air of superiority.'] Why siJrtmat to pui 
in tlie pea soup, to be sure ! 

3Irs. P [Pushing Joannaii.] Go ! go ! 

Joan [At door l ] Oh, ain't 1 got a nobby situation, that's all ! 

[Exit, L. 

Mrs. P [Turning to Sawder.] And you, pray oblige me by leaving 
the house at once. 

Sawder [Helps himself to loine.'] Not if I know it ! I means to stop 
and see how sister Joannah gets on. 

3Irs. P [Hastily.'] No, no, I tell you ! 

Sawder [Advancing on Mrs. Poppington significantly.] Now mind 
what you're about, or I'll tell the ^3v'ner about little blacky-topper f 

Mrs. P [Tragically.] Oh, that aftowma We little blacky- topper ! How 
am I to get rid of this terrible Tinker ? 

Re-enter Poppington, ivith hand-bell, ringing furiously. 

Mr. P [Bawling angrily.] Now then, Matty ! where's my highly 
scented brown Windsor.^ [Suddenly pulling tip in front of Sawder.] 
|J7(o are you ? 

Sawdei' [Alar7ned.] Please, your washup, I be Sam Sawder, the 
'tinnerant tinker — [Calling.] Knives to grind, scissors to grind, razors 
to grind ! 

lUr. P [In a voice of thtinder.] No, nothing to grind ! 

Sawder [Retreating, alarmed, aside] He's a grinding his own teeth any- 
how. 

3Ir. P [Advancing fiercely on Sawder.] What the devil are you doing 
in my front parlor ? 

Saioder Please your honor's noble washup, I was just a goin' dowB 
to kitchen, to help sister Joannah. 

3Ir. P [Surprised.] Sister Joannah ! who the (iewZ's sister Joannah ? 

Mrs. P [Hastily interposing.] Nobody, nothing, my dear — [Flurried.] 
the man is only executing a little order for me. 

Mr. P [Angrily.] Then the sooner he finishes the Utile order the 
better. I'm not going to have the aspect of my newly furnished 
parlor deteriorated by that unpicturesque object ! [Pointing to Sawder. 

Sawder [Aside, offended.] What's he a talking about? 

Mr. P Get rid of that fellow directly, Mrs. Poppington ; or I'll 
know the reason why, Mrs. Poppington ! [Roaring.] Do you hear, 
Mrs. Poppington ? [Exit furiously, door r., ringing and roaring.] Matty ! 
Ma — a— atty ! where's my highly ^|gented brown- Windsor ? 

Saivder [Off&oded.] I don't half like the guv'nor's manners. Who 
does he call a ^'■hohject" I should like to know? I'm generally 
considered main good-looking down at Muggleton. I'm a hindepend- 
ent haxiisan, I corned here with a binterduction from the family greeu" 
/irrocer and I ain't going to be called a ''hobject" by nobody what- 
sumever ! [Tiirows himself indignantly on sofa, r. and crosses his legs. 

Mrs. P [Aside, looking at Sawder.] The fellow has evidently no 
intention of going ! How am I to get rid of him? It's like a dread- 
ful situation in some hoj-rible romance to have in one's house a fieiid of 



A TERRIBLE TINKER. 18 

a ti7iker, that one can't get rid of. anyhow and whose every wish one 
is positively compelled to obey ! 

Re-enter Joannaii, l. with shovel and co-d-scutile. 

Joan [Making a series of rapid hobs.] Please, my lady, [Bobs.'] there 
ain't not never no co:ils in the cellar. [Bobs. 

Sawder [Hastily jumping up from sofa and rushing to Mrs. Poppington.] 
No coals ! then you just have a sack in from my friend Stumps, the 
greengrocer. 

Mrs. P [Impatiently.'] No, no, we expect our winter supply in this 
afternoon. 

Sawder [Persiiasiveh/.] Bless your heart, marm, Stump's coals is 
reg'lar out-and-outers — all nublJly vuns and no Ijrickbats ! Come, 
now, give Stumps a turn, [Fmphaticailf/.] and the guv'nor shan't 
know nothin' about hlaclcy -topper ! 

Mrs. P [Aside., angrily.] Oh! that f/rrar//'i/nittle blacky-topper ! 

Sawder Stump's shop is over the way, I'll just give him a hail. 

Mrs. P [Aside, distracted.] To be actually dictated to in my own 
house by a miserable tinker! [Wildly.] Oh, it's like a horrible 
dream ! 

Sawder [Who has meamchile crossed to ivindow, r..] Hi, Stumps ! 

^ [Makes signal from icindow. 

Mrs. P What is to be done ? [fo Joannah, ivho is standing in a fit of 
deep abstraction, gazing meditatively before her.] Here — what's your name? 

"^- [Pinches Joaxnah's arm. 

Joan [Shouting.] Oh! [With looby sentimentality.] I was a thinking of 
the duck-pond on our willage green. 

Mrs. P [Angrily.] Then don't think of it any more! [Drnicing 
Joannah to door, l ] Come this way. Oh, dear ! oh, dear ! what will 
my husband say ? 

Joan [At door, l.] Oh ! arn't I got a nobby sittyvation ! 

[Exeunt Mrs. Poppington and Joannau, l. 

Sawder [At window.] Now then, Stumps, bring over a hundred o' 
your werry best specimen Wallsends. 
' Stumps [Outside.] All right ! 

Sawder [Shouting ] And I say, look sharp, d'ye hear ? 

Stumps [Outside.] I'macomin'. 

Sawder [Coming away from window.] I feels it a dooty to put summat 
in Stumps' Avay, 'cos he always recommends me in the tiukerin' line. 
How precious lucky I seed tha^^re smash ! The missus daresn' t 
deny me nothing for fear I shoijff?ftell the gov' nor ! ho, ho ! I ray- 
ther approves o' this here style o' thing — it's a deal better than 
trampin' about the country a hollerin' one self red in the face for a 
hungratcful public. [Sits down in easy-chair near table and crosses his legs.] 
This ts stunnin' ! [Inspecting his boots.] Halloa! vy there's a crack in 
vun o' my huppers— nowl wonder !f that ere dandy shoemaker as 
was a measurin' the missus, would make me a pair o' boots ? and 
why shouldn't he? isn't a tinker's money as good as any one else's? 
[Jor/ging vv and down in arm-chair.] I shouldn't mind a continivauce of 



14 A TERRIBLE TINKER. 

this hQre—[Stnick by a sudden ideaJ] I knows what I'll do. There's 
a deal of smashing done in this here establishment ! I'll soft Sawder 
the missis to get me tuk on as private tinker to the family ; [Jogging 
up and doivn in chair ^ it will he a savin' to 'em in the long run, darned 
if it won't ! [Tha.nps table toith his hand, and in doing so, strikes accordio?!.] 
Halloa! [Taking it uj).] What the dickens be this ? the missus said 
something about a parlor bellows— I dessay this be it. [In moving 
accordion it squeaks.'] Well, I never ! if there ain't jnjfszc in it ! so, that's 
what quality folks call o. parlor bellows, is it? Ho, ho! vy it arn't 
got never no nozzle — ho, ho ! well, they are got queer names for 
things now-a-days. [Inspecting accordion.] I sees what he wants, I'll 
sawder up this here end and put a ni^zle on to t'other — I'll make a 
useful article on him 1 

Stu7nps [Outside, c] Coals ! 

Sawder [Majestically.] Walk in ! 

Enter Stumps, at back, c, ivith sack on his back. 

Stumps [Com,ing down.] Now then, Sawder, as the poet says, vere 
vill you have 'em? ^ 

Sawder [Confideiitiall^] beckoning i^Tvy^s towards hijii.] Stumps, my boy, 
a word with yer, private and confidential. [Mysteriously.] I'm king 
o' the castle here ! ■< — ^ 

Stumps [Surprised.] Lor ! 

Sawder I've got the missis clean mider my thumb ! 

Slumps [Surprised.] You don't meitn that ! 

Sawder [Striking a di^ufied attitw&S^ continuing.] Tinker though I be, I 
can give the custom o^" this here 'st#lishment to any vun I likes. 

Stumps Well, I never ! [Eagerlg.y' Then, as the poet says, I hears 
as how the kitchen chimney wants sweeping— s'posc you gets the job 
for my nevvy, Billy Sutton — he's oiitside the public now. 

Sawder [Importantly.] I'll make it all right for Billy. I'm just a 
stcppin' out to knock ofif a little purfessional bisness and I'll tip Billy 
the wink. [At door, coyisequentiaUy , striking attitude.] You don't know 
any other deservin indi?r?ddle as wanjs recomraendin'? 

Stumps [Reflecting.] Yes, I does ; there's Mat Mivins, the middle- 
aged muffin man I he's a ivery deservin' indiwiddle, jist you give him 
a border! ^ ^ * <;- 

Sawder [Patronmngly.] I ivill, my boy — I «-?^give Mivins a border. 
Do as you'd be done by, is my moMo, .«nd the 'art as can feel for 
another, is my sentiments. /'/^^R^^ivins a hordel- ! 

'^Exii, cons^qumtiaUy, at back, c. 

Stumps [Suiprised.] Well, this is mysterious ! Vy, Sawder seems to 
ha' hinctnnivated hissclf right into the buzziin. o' this here family. 
Howsomdever, as the poet says, it's all vun to me as long as I gets 
my little sum tottle. I'll just take these here Wallsends round to 
the kitchen. 

Re-enier Mr. Poppington, e. , with a large hair-brush in each hand— in one 
hand he also carries a hand-hell which he is ringing violently. 



A TERRIBLE TINKER. 15 

Mr. P [Roaring.'] Here, Matty— Mrs. Poppington— wheie's my 

crystallized bear's grease ? \_Pulh up short in front of Stumps.] Who 
are you ? 

V, Stumps [Rather alarmed.] A— a— I be come wi' — the coals, your 
washup— fuss rate articles they are too. [Takes a h'lndful of very smalt 
coals from sack and hands them to Mb. Poppington.] Just run your 
washup's eye over the /ceevality. 

Mr. F [In a furions passion, violently knocks small coals out of Stump's 
ha7id into the air.] Kec-valify be hanged ! What the devil do you Tnean 
by bringing coals into my parlor ? 

V Stumps [Alarmed.] Yy, your washup, seein' as how Sara Sawder vos 
a lookin' out of that there wind^'— 

Mr. F [Fariomly.] Sam Sawdcr!""''W hat right has Sam Sawder, or 
any other Sam, to be lookin' out o' my window ? 

Sutton [Outside.] Ser-veep ! 

Mr. F [Startinrj violently.] What's that? 
, Stumps [Bawling.] Come in ! 

Enter Billy Suttox, c, in sweep s working dress, ivith brushy &c. 

- Slumps [Introducinrj.] It's only my nevvy, Billy Sutton. 

Mr. P [Inariicula-e icilh rage.] Billy Sutton ! What business has Billy 
Sutton in my parlor ? [Furiouslg.y-'wVout, Billy Sutton ! 

Sutton [Alarmed.] Please your hjOnor's rcv'rence I — I — be come after 
the back kitchen chimbley. _^| 

Mr. P [Roaring.] The back Idtdlien chimney isn't in the front par- 
lor! [Furious.] I will ?2oi allow my newly furnished apartments to 
be turned into a public thoroughfare for smutty-faced vagabonds ! 

Mwins [Outside at back, c] Muf-iins ! 

Mr. P [Starting violently.] Eh ! what ? 

Slumps Walk in ! 

Enter MiviNS, at back, c, ivith basket. 

Mivins [Coming forward — presenting basket to PoppixCfiON.] Please, sir, 
it's five dozen o' crumpets, as was ordered for Muster Poppington. 

Mr. P [Frantic zoith rage, Jacking liasket out of Mivin's hand.] Crum- 
pets be hanged ! [Ringing bdlviolenlly.] Muffins ! ! ! [Correc'ing him- 
self. No! [Stamping.] 3I.dty, I- mean ! [Roaring. J Mrs. Popping- 
ton ! what is the meaning of all this ? 

J^ :t-> i 

Rc-cnier MB?KrQi>rixGT0\, l. 



Mrs. P [Aside, as she en'ers, p^rcc'ving the group.] What do I see ? 
Mr. P [Breathless icith indignttion.] Mrs. Poppington, what do these 
miscreants want in my apartmenls ? 

Mrs. P [Confused.] You sc3, my \QyQ — [Ande.] That terrible 
Tinker has been at work again ! 

X;' Slumps [Coming down, offended, with sack on his back.] Well, your 
■washup, I had a border for a hundred o' best Wallsend, but, as the 
poet eays, if so be as my articles don't give satisfaction-- 



16 A TERRIBLE TINKER. 

[In turning round to go away, he swings sack violently against PoppINGTon's 

chest.'] 
Mr. P [Starting— furious.'] O-o-oli ! co??/bM«rf your articles ! [Stamp- 
ing] A large smudge on my buff waistcoat ! 

Sutton [In a tone of offended dignity.] x\nd I was axed to sweep the 
kitchen chimbley, hut it seems as how my services arn't required. 
[In turning round, he accident il!y rubs brush against Poppington's trousers. 

Mr. F [Spasmodically.] Ah ! oh ! ah ! a black patch on my ^chite 
trouserd ! [With concent ra'cd indignation. I'll not stand this sort of 
thing a moment longer — and, as for that wretched muffin-man — 
[Turns towards corner for stick, in turning round, stumbles over MiviNS, tcho 
is on all fours, picking up crumpets.] 

Mivins [Roaring.] 0-o-oh ! my iircl'B ihiger ! ! 

Mrs. F [Distracted.] Oh , /en-j'We situation ! [^s/Je to Stumps or/ic? Sut- 
ton, imploringly.] Go round to the kitchen, pray ! 

3Ir. F [Jumping np and getting stick — roaring.] I'll teach you to 
desecrate a gentleman's newly furnished premises in this way ! Be 
off ! get out ! [Chivies them up to the door, c. 

Stumps [Alarmed to Sutton.] Come along, gents, we'll go round to 
the kitchen. 

Sutton [7b Stumps. 1 He are a crusty customer ! 

3Iivins He are, Billy, he arcl^. 

[Exeunt Stumps, SuTTON'^f Mivixs in great alarm, at hack, c. 

Mr. F. [Indignantly, putting downside and taking up hair-brush.] Mrs. 
Poppington, the internal admiui3ti|a:tion of this house calls aloud for 
complete and radical reform. The disj^osition of the apartments 
shall be altered, Mrs. Poppington. The back kitchen shall be con- 
verted into the-front parlor — [Correcting himself] No! the back 
garden gate shall, for the future, become the street-door entrance, 
and the top attic shall hcnce&iiili^ be turned [Daioling.] into a coal 
cellar, madam. 

3Irs. F [Tenderly.] But, my love — 

3fr. F [Furiously.] Don't contradict me, madam, or I'll have the 

house taken down, biick ]>y brick, and rebuilt topsy-turvy, upside 

down, inside out ! ! And now, Mrs, P., perhaps some one will inform 

me, [Roaring icilh all his might.] where's my crystallized bear's grease '! 

[Re-comm'mccs bnishing his hair violently and exit u. 

3frs. F [Distracted.] Oh, dear— oh dear! A pretty morning I've 
had of it ! And when I think that this hits all been brought about 
through the impertinent f olly " ( a g A at coxcomb, Gadabout. If ever 
lie re-enters this house, I — w^ 

Re-enter GAr about cautiously, at back, c. 

Mr. G [Affsq'edly.] I— I've just d;poppcd in again. 

Mrs. F [Angrily.] Then just <^«-o;.) out again ! How dare you show 
your face after placing me in this dreadful position ? 

Mr. G [Surprised.] Dii'cadful position ! Oh, giracious ! 
^ Mrs. F [ Indignantly.] lam positively imder the thumb of a wretched 
tinker— and all through your unparalleled impertinence ! 



A TERRIBLE TINKER. 17 

3Ir. G But my ingenious ptt'etext — 

Mrs. P Ingenious nonsense ! To keep the fellow quiet, I am posi- 
tively compelled to put up, not only with his caprices, but those of 
his low-born friends and relatives— my kitchen is crowded with them 
at this moment : but I can endure it"' no longer ! You, sir, are the 
cause of all this annoyance and I now tq,ll upon ym to remedy the 
evil, by ridding the house al once of this terrible Tinker ! 

Mr. G. [Perplexed.] I ?dd the house of a tinkaw ! 

Mrs. P [Angrily.'] Yes, sir, get rid of him instantly, or I will reveal 
the whole truth to my husband, and then, sir, you must take the 
dreadful consequences ! [Exit angrily, l. 

Mr. G [Astounded.] Well, this zs a-^eat.' [Helplessly.] How am / 
to get tvid of him ? - 1 can't go ive^mg and stiwuggling with a j^agged 
^^'uffian^y tinkar ! [Puts his hat on table.] He'll wumple my CM;avat 
and cwnsh. my hwan new hat ! 

Re-enter Sawder, at hack, c. 

Sawder [Complacently.] I've made semething like a parlor oellows 
on him ; I've just left 'un outside to cool— darned if ain't quite a 
pictur! ^em^ Gadabout.] Halloa! why, here's the chap as was a 
measuring the missus. [Looking at hii boots.] I'll ax him about the 
boots. [Aloud.] Holloa, shoemakejt:^, . [Clf:ips him on the back. 

3Ir. G [Surpirised.] Shoemaker !^^' 

Sawder [Continuing.] I say— now that I'm moving among the huppers, 
I wants a new pair o' stampers, -ciust take my measure, will 'ee ? 

3Ir. G [Aside] Now here's a picetty position— aw— aw ! I'll pwe 
tend to to take the zt'uffian's measure. 

[Knetls down and uses short cane as ineasure. 

Sawder [Inspecting Gadabout.] I say, you be main smart for a shoe- 
maker ! You seem to do it up raytUer brown. 

Mr. G [Confused.] Oh, vcz^y b?/;own— ve?ry b?yowa ! 

Sawder [Holding out his left leg.] A stunning pair, mind you— lacc 
ups, with a double row of large nails, and tips fore and aft— reg'lar 
fashionable make, yer know. 

3Ir. G [Pretending to measure.] All ttight. [Aside.] I'll capsize the 
fetched wascal ! [Aloud.] I say, Mr. Tinkaw- a t^yifle higher,, will 
you ? ■ ,^ [Raises Sawder's left leg. 

Sawder [Wriggling about on one leg.] Halloa! sboemaker— you be 
upsettin' o' I! [Gadabout, ichile pretending to take measure, gives Hawdeh 
a vigorous * -hoist, ' ' under sole of left^p^rWhich upsets him.] Now then — 
what be 'eo about ? Stow it, wi^cc ? 

Mr- G [Aside, dragging ^AWDEn by the left leg towards door, c] I'll twcat 
him like daddy-long-legs— I'll take him by the left leg and dzrag him 
.down stairs ! 

[Just as Sawder is spratv'ing on the ground, r. , roaring, and Gadabout is 
seizitig him by the leg, re-en'cr Poppingto.v, r.] 

Sawdei' [Shouting] Halloa, I say— leave go! This isn't the way 
they measure folks at Muggleton ! 

Mr. P ]Contemplating the^able.m before him, amized.] What the devil's 



18 A TERRIBLE TINKER. 

going on now ? Mr. Gadabout, what are you doing with that tintcr, 
sir? 

Sawder {Sitting up on floor.'] Why, he was a measuring o' I for a pair 
o' stampers. 

Mr. r [Surprised.] A "pair o' stampers ! [Baiolinrf.] You don't mean 
to stay that he's a shoemaker ! ! ! [Pointing to Gadabout. 

Sawder In coorse he is ! Why I seed him, this very mornin', a- 
taking your good lady's measure. i| 

Mr. P [Astounded.] My good lady's measure! ! ! [Rushing furiously 
at Gadabout and seizing him by the collar.] What the devil do mean by 
taking my good lady's measure ? 

Mr. G [Aside.] Oh, gj^^acious ! _g?mcious ! [Terribly confused.] Aw — 
aw ! it's a twifling misunderstanmffg. 

Sawder [Earnestly.] I tell 'ee I seed him a-kneelin' at the good 
lady's feet — [Imitating Gadabout, makiiig an eye-glass of his finger and 
thumb and assuming a dandified manner.] Says he— "Thzt^ee inches 
bu>oad, by seven and a half long !" 

Mr. P [Seizing Gadabout by collar.] Mysterious individual ! are you 
really in the boot and shoe line ? 

Mr. G [Struggling.] Aw — aw- -not pe^ecisely. 

Sawder I tell 'ee he is, gov' nor — the harticles is a comin' home on 
Friday. [Indignantly.] / kno^V-£^:l about it. 

Mr. P [Ulterly astounded.] Astounding duplicity ! [Furious.] Sol, 
Gynger Poppington, was about to marry my niece to a pitiful pur- 
veyor of Northamptons ! [RushesJlb corner and gets thick stick.] Get 
out o' my house ! 

Mr. G [ Who has meanwhile been dodging about, horribly alarmed.] But if 
you'll only listen to reason — 

Mr. P [C'lasing Gadabout and roaring.] Will you get out o' my 
bouse ? 

Mr. G [At c. door.] I tell you it's all a mistake ! 

Mr. P [Roari7ig.] Out of my house ! 
[He pushes Gadabout oid and exit after him, door c. — loud noise heard as of 
two people rolling down stairs.] 

Mr. G [Outside, roaring.] Murder ! thieves ! ?t'ural police ! 

Sawder [Alarmm.] The guv'nor's at it ag'in! [U'.easily.] I don't 
feel altogether safe in this 'stablisbment— I feels as if a steam biler 
was a goin' to bust every minnit ; it's like furnished lodgings in a 
gunpowder magazine. 

Re-enter Popri\GT^||-C. d. , ivith stick. 

Mr. P A shoemaker ! To think that I, Gynger Poppington, should 
actually have myiteZ « shoemaker to dinner! 'Pon my life, dress is so 
cheap now-a-days, there's no telling a gent from a gentleman, or a 
count from a counter-jumper. [IJjiring this speech re-enter Gadabout 
stealthily, c. D., he m^kc3 cautiously for table in order to get his hat — Popping- 
ton turns round and suddenly perceives Gadabout.] Aha ! again I Be off ! 

Mr. G [In terrific alarm.] Murder ! 
;_Gadabout rushes out at c. door, jrursued, as far as door, by Poppington. 



A TEKUiliLE TINKER. 19 

Mr. P [Coming doiim.] Let me catch him here again ! ]Perc:iv'ng 
Sawder, rushing at him fiercely/.] P'raps t/ou'U inform me what you're 
dodging about on my new carpet for? 

[Satvckr lAlarmed.] \y, ain't I told yer? I've got a horder from 
the missus to mend the parlor bellows with the music in it ! 

Mr. P Music in it ! [Struck hy a sudden idea.] By jove ! he's been 
tinkering my accordion ! [Seizing him hy the collar and shaking him vio- 
lentbj.] Goth! barbarian! Vandal! dolt! what have you done with 
my musical instrument ? 

Sawder [Su-uggling .] It's outside a coolin'. 

Mr. P [Roaring.] A coolin'! Horrible idea ! he's been tinkering my 
musical instrument— thirty shillings, thirty shillings ! 

[Throws stick away drift runs out hurriedly at back, c. to n. 

Sawder [Beivildered.] Be vants sawder in' — there's a rare crack in his 
upper story. I don't half like that there guv' nor, I never see such a 
hunresonable party in all my life. Vy, he calls a parlor bellows a 
musical instrument ! [Crash ow^sz^e— Stumps, Mivixs and Suttox heard 
at back, laughing andshouUug uproariously, "Ha, ha, ha ! here's a lark! 
ha, ha, ha!" — Sawder, surprised.] Why, what's up now? 

Re-enter Stumps, Mivins and Sutton, (c. d. from l.) arm in arm, decidedly 
''exhilarated^" and staggering to and fro, laughing uproarims'y. 

' Stumps [Singing.] "Fo-o-or he aint a jolly good fellow," &c. I say, 
Sawder, {hie) we've been a 'clpin' d^oaunah {hie) to spile the new cask 
o' old ale — ho, ho, ho ! 

Sutton [Hiccuping.] Ho, ho, ho! And while we've been a 'elpin' 
Joannah, {hie) we've been a 'elpin' ourselves, ho, ho, ho ! Who 
cares for old Crusty ? [To JIivixs ] Eh, Mufins, my boy? 

Mivins [Very drunk.] All right, ])lackey ! 
-' Stumps [Singing insanely.] "Fo-o-or he «m'i! a jolly good fellow," &c. 
[The other two join uproariously in chorus— they then attempt to sit down on 

chairs, hut each of the three misses hU seat and falls on the floor— they then 

proceed to push one anjther over the sofa, u. , \st wing, and indulge in a variety 

of uproarious antics. ] 

Sawder [Expostulating ivhile the uproar is going on.] Here, I say, hold 
that row, will you ? Why, where' s your draggings up ? 

Be enter Mrs. Poppixgtox, l. 

Mrs P [Astonished.] What hidoe^Sl'upTOar is this ? [Seeing Sawder.] 
Still here ! Monster I do your worst— fe/Z what you please, but leave 
the house this instant, you terrxhh Tinker ! 

Sawder Terrible Tinl;er ! [Amvrjed, to SruMP3 and Suttox.] There 1 
I told you how it would bo, you've gone and offended the good lady, 
[ro Mrs. Poppixgtox.] You see, missus, these chaps aren't got no 
more manners nor a kangaroo, but Sam Sawder axes your pardon, he 
does, [Kneeling down] down on his bended kneo. 

[Juzt as Sawder is on his knees 



20 A TERRIBLE TINKER. 

Re-enter Poppington, C, hastily, with accordion in his hand. 

Mr. P [As he enters.] He has put a nozzle on my accordion ! [Per- 
ceiving the tableau before him.] Holloa ! {Rushes at Sawder and gives him 
a tremendous kick.] ' What the devil are you up to now ? 

Sawder [Jumping up, indignantly.] I say, gently, you know, I'm a 
/independent hartizan ! 

Mr. P [Coming down -L., inarticulate with indignation.] Mrs. Poppington, 
what am I to understand from all this ? 

Mrs. P [At a loss what to say — distracted.] /don't know! [Aside.] 
Oh, this is terrible ! 

Re-enter Joannah, l., loilh^^asin and spoon in her hand. 

Joan [Complacently] Say I can't make pea soup, that's all! 

3Ir. P [Astounded—starting.] Pea Soup ! Who the (/m^s this? 

Joan I be tlie new cook, your honor's washup— jMsi taste this here! 
[Dahs spoon into Poppington's mouth. 

Mr. P [Yelling and spu'tering.] Ah ! pah ! br-r-r ! All over my 
whiskers! [Frantic] I crm'^ stand this any longer. [Roaring.] Get 
out of my liouse ! Fly ! vanish ! begone ! 
[He gives a terrific thump to Sawder, who falls against Sutton, 'who falls 

against Stump3,_w/)q falls against MiviNS.] 
Saxoder ' 
Sutton 
Stumps 

and 
Mivins 

Mr. P [Who has memwhile fetched stick — banishing stick.] Ruffians, 
come on, one and all ! [Ru<hes at them. 

Saioder ~ 
Stumps 
Mivins 
and 
Sutton 

Mr. P [Rustling at Sawder.] Be off — icet out ! 

Sawder [Alarmed.] Now draw it mildish, you know ! 
[Dodges behind the other three, ir ho escape tou-ard door, c, hotly pursued hy 
Poppington.] 



[Tog ther.] Now then ! what are you up to ? 



[Together, running aioay.] Murder ! ! ! 



Stumps 
Mivins 

and 
Sutton 



[At door, c] Coflic^ijiij^ents, we shall be spiflicatcdl 



[Exeunt the three tradesmen, C, followed hy 1'oppington. 

Mrs. P [Screayning.] A-a-ah ! oh, dear, dear! sometliing dreadful 
will happen ! 

Sawder [Alarmed.] Vy, sky-rockets is a fool to liim ! I say, Joan- 
nah, you vouldn't be housemaid to such a temper as that, would yer. 
Joannah ? 

Joan No, that I wouldn't Samivel. 



A TERRIBLE TINKER. 21 

Sawder The green lanes and the farmers' kitchens is a deal better 
than this sort o' thing— arn't they, Joannah? 
Joan Ah, that they he, Samivel ! 

Sawder [To Mrs. Poppington.] Vy, if he makes sich a fuss about a 
paltry bellows with music in it, what tcill he say when he finds out— 
Iknoio what ? 

Re-enter Mr. Poppingtox, with stick, C, during last, words. -, 

3Ir. P [Starting.] " You know what !" [Rushing down to Sawdek.'^J 
What do mean by you know what ? 

Sawder [Alarmed.] Yes, but the good lady said as how you warn't to 
know. 

Mr. P [Seizing Sawder by collar.] -Speak, scoundrel ! reveal the 
horrible mystery. 

Sawder [Resolutely.] No, no, Sam Sawder ain't a going to cause no 
unpleasantness. 

Mrs. P [Distracted, to Sawder.] Thera, there ! tell him, tell him ! 

and let there be an end of it. [Aside.] A fearful tragedy is at band ! 

Mr. P [Furiously seizing Sawder by the collar.] Will you go on ? 

Sawder [Alarmed.] Well then— [mWt^rrea^wiysten/.] as I wasasittm' 

in that room yonder— [i'om^s of.] but I say, you'll draw it mild with 

that bamboo o' youm — 

Mr. P [Roari7ig.] Go on ! ^.— ^"^ 

Saxcder [Hesitatingly.] Well then, I seed a little junewile get on a 
cheer and smash — 

Mr. P [Eagerly.] Smash w/ia/ .? 

Sawder [Continuing.] Three wenuses, two coo])ids and a little blacky 
topper. 

Mrs. P [Aside.] I breathe again ! 

Mr. P A little blacky-tapper ! [Exasperated.] Mrs. Poppiugton, do 
j/ou mean to tell me that I've been subjected to all this annoyance 
[Roaring.] for a little blacky topper ? 

Mrs. P It's your own fault, Mr. Poppington, your temper is so 
violent that I am afraid to tell you anything. [Aside, looking at Sawder.] 
The monster knew nothing after all ! 

Re-enter Mr. Gadabout, hastily, at back bareheaded. 

Mr. G Aw, aw, I zt>equire my bwim new hat. 

Sawder [Crossing to Gadabout.] I say, shoemaker, I shan't want them 
stampers now. -^ 

Mr. G [Indignantly.] I>wa.t the ^tempers. [Forgetting himself.] I'm 
tiot a shoemaker ! 

Mr. P [Getting stick from corner.] Not a shoemaker ! then what 
were you doing at my tvife's feet 7 s 

Mrs. P [Aside:] I "have it ! [Hastily interposing, significantly.] You| 
gee, my love, Mr. Gadabout, knowing my aversion to his marriage 
with your niece, was earnestly imploring me no longer to oppose the match. 

Mr. G [Aside.] Oh, gjracious! I'm t^^icked, I'm ttt-apped, I'm 
ipuined ! 



22 A TERKIBLE TINKER. 

Mr. P [ With much vrhanity.'] Oh, that was it ! My dear Gadabout — 
[Warmly shaking him hy the hand.] my niece's hand is yours. You'll 
stay to dinner, of course ? 

3Ir. G [Aside-I I'll stay to dinner, but I'll start for California early 
to-morrow morning. 

Sawder [.Tovially.] Then he jrarn'f a shoemaker — ho, ho ! I thought 
he had a rum way o' measuring folks. Howsumever, I've had 
enough o' pnm^e tinkerin' ; here's off— we prefers the p'ramberlatin' 
line arter all, don't we Joannah ? 

Joan Ah, that we does, Samivel. 

Sawder But, afore we starts, I rekvires vun thing. 

3Ir. P [Hastily.'] And what may that be ? 

Sawder [Complacently.'] I rekvires .VGwr recommendation — if you ain't 
got anything to mend yourselves, p'raps you'll say a word for us to 
these ladies and gentlemen. [To audience, dily.] I can mend temperi 
as well as other harticles, yoii know ; vy I've improved the guv'nor's 
for him already. [Points to Poppington, who is laughing grimly in spite 
of himself.] Look at him, he's a smilin' a hactij;al smile. 

Mr. P [Blandly.] Well, he has, at any rate, taught ire one thing, 
and that is, never to make a fuss, till you know what really is the 
matter ! 

Sawder There, you hears him. So, [To atidience] if you knows any- 
one vith a crack in his tcmp^i>4y^t send 'em this way o' evenin's. 
I'll sawder 'em up and make a bran new article on 'em, if they'll 
just step in and take a lesson from^- 

All [In chorus, loudly.] "A TsitUiBLE Tinker." 

R. Me. p. Mrs. P. Sawdbr. Joannah. Gadabout, l. 
THE £ND. 



flllOl-S 




PUBLISHED IN FRIHOH'S STANDARD DRAMA. 



Lancers 


T :h Cianvarty 


Allatooua 


LuciUe 


N .■"^'»''V^ L^tc to Mend 


Enoch Arden 


Eandail'8 Thumb 


Liyof !■--:€ 


Weak Woman 


Wicked World 


Lerl »str;-v 


How She Loves Him 


Two Orplians 


Hviiiy v.. uew vereion 


Our Society- 


Oolleeti Bawn 


Un^-qaal Msuch 


Moth er in Law 


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M; 7 . '-!• Dolly's Delusion 


Snowed In 



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Wonderful Woman 
Curions Case 
Forty Wiaks 



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Terrllile Tinker 
Mv Uncle's Will 



ISTJED-^s - JP I_j./^-3r3 



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Twenty Minutes Ucder an 


i' - 


t-g 


Tmbrella 


"j- 




Mr. Joffin's Latch Ksy 


"! ,. 




Watch and Wait 


a. 




Family rictyres 




: India 


Fatal Gla*s 


■V!_ 




Asiiore and Afloat » 


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Jcaauette and Jcannot 


Na-M- .. ■ 


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ViUfigrt ; .,;L 


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Toro. Bowline 


OlT'i^,V'v' 




Karcisse, the Vagrant 


rarl'^: s foi 


Life . 


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Chopf-;ti<ira; 


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Headless Horseman 


ChiseJli/,;. 




Our Geordie 


Birds in ih.5 


'• Littlo Nests 


For Honor's Sake 


Pretty I , ■.: 


.am-;ut 


Our Bi(teresl Toe 


Seven -Si: s 




By Eoyal Command 


Insurf l=>t I 


ioya's 


Blow in the Dark 


naudrn,! G 


^,ve 


Psinless Dentistry 


Keep y-.v«-r i 


ye on Her 


Taking tlifc Veil 


JcKsamr'H C 


-nrtfthip 


Rely on iTy Discretion 


False A'r.;- 




Who Stole the ciotk 


ui. • ■• ■■ 


M 


Love and Hou>>r 


r, 




'Ml the Cl.'de 


<.i ". . 


c. 


rys Dream 


Lite;, -v - 





Who'll Lend me a vrife 

]£xtremes Meet 

GoLlon Plough 

Sweet ucurts 

V(-lyet and Hags 

Cui; for Partner 

Love's Alarms 

An Appeal to the Feelings 

Tal3 of a Comet 

Under False Colors 

Heroes 

Philanthropy 

Little Vixens 

The Coming Woman 

Telephone 

Too Late to Save 

•Just jVIy Luck 

Grateful Father 

Happy Medixim 

Sole Survivor 

Neck or Nothing 

Poppleton'B Predicaments 

Auld Acquaintance 

W( eds 

White Prgrim 

Dentists Clerk 



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